8 Traits Of A Real Man

Today's lesson is a throwback to the good old days when school teachers still had a whip, and you were disgraced if you showed up at home with a "D" on your report card. Today is a lesson in basics; the basics of being a man. Let's call it Manhood 101 .

To build a great house, you need a strong foundation on which to put all the other pretty things. To build a great man, you also need a solid foundation on which to add all the other little things that set the real men apart from the stronzos .

If you don't agree, go read the column of some guy who thinks owning a car or a big bike is what defines a man. You'll see how far you get with his advice.

Trait #1: A real man is strong
A real man doesn't cry, doesn't moan, doesn't complain, doesn't get sick, and doesn't need to go to the doctor every time he sneezes. A real man makes decisions and lives with the consequences. A real man accepts responsibility for his actions and his words. A real man is firm. If life is a bitch, a real man will slap her and move on.

A real man is macho; a real man is tough; a real man doesn't show emotions. A real man is the backbone of his family and doesn't have time to be weak. If spiders scare you, you'll never be a real man.

Trait #2: A real man is focused
A real man knows the difference between what's important and what isn't. A real man doesn't waste time on stupidities that don't bring him any profit. Sure, there are things you can do as a hobby -- I like to shoot ducks -- but it must have a purpose. The purpose of my hobby is to improve my aim, and I don't have to tell you whether or not that's a useful thing in my line of work.

A real man focuses on power, money and family. He doesn't focus on sex. Sex comes as a result of having power, money and a wife (and if she doesn't satisfy you, there are plenty of other women who will, especially when you are powerful and rich).

Trait #3: A real man knows the importance of family
A real man will keep his family strong and pass on his ancestors' history and traditions. A real man knows that his children are God's gift and should be treated as such, even if he disciplines them from time to time.

A real man must also remember his other Family, his organization. In my world, both my family and my Family hold the same importance; I protect them both with all my might. If you have a Family, don't forget where your loyalties lie and who has your back when you need it.

Trait #4: A real man doesn't gossip
A real man keeps his mouth shut. He shelters information and rations his words. A real man does not reveal more than he has to, and doesn't engage in girlie talk about others. A real man doesn't discuss things he doesn't know about, or people he has never met.

Trait #5: A real man's word is his bond
When a real man makes a promise, he keeps it. If he can't keep a promise, he doesn't give his word. A real man would rather die than break his word. A real man knows that his words are as powerful as his actions, and must be taken at face value. That is why he rations them (see above).

Trait #6: A real man strives to be a role model
A real man respects himself and others at all times, unless, of course, he has been disrespected. A real man sets an example for his disciples and especially his children. I never bring my work home, so my children only know me as their father and not as a waste management executive. You should do the same; a real man sets the tone for his children and keeps them from discovering that he has weaknesses.

Trait #7: A real man makes his own fortune
A real man doesn't settle for handouts or charity when it comes to his personal fortune. A real man isn't satisfied with papa's money. He spits on Lady Luck and decides his own destiny. A real man who inherits the goods from his forefathers takes his inheritance and turns it into 10 times what it was.

Trait #8: A real man doesn't look like a woman
A real man doesn't have piercing and long hair, and he doesn't shave his chest. Manicures, however, are acceptable. Massages from female attendants are also tolerated. A real man knows that, outside of his barber, all his personal hygiene needs must be taken care of by a woman.

A real man has at least three suits (with a mandatory pinstriped one) that cost more than a roomful of escorts. A real man wears a suit at least three times a week. Any man who doesn't know how to tie a tie should hand in his testicoli immediately. And learn how to order a bottle; I'm sick of seeing baboons ordering Colt 45 in fine establishments.

By Mr. Mafioso